Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?