My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me