*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
wtf is a larm clock?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?