“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
this is how life feels
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?