Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
How do you milk an almond?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I said we supposed to be saving our money.