Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.