Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My wife gives the best headache.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*pokes sex life with a stick
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
this has to be peak English
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.