Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Ha
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.