Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Well, that didn’t work.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.