Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye