[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer