Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Are we there yet?…
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS