Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.