Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You Might Also Like
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
So creative 😂
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you