Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me irl
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.