BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
*frowns in Scottish*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.