Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.