Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.