Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule