“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer