[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂