[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What a year we’ve had this week.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.