Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
You Might Also Like
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*weighs self after shaving
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅