Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You Might Also Like
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
prepare for carbonated trouble
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?