boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
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Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize