boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Wikigenius
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME