Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
gentlemen, hear me out
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have