Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire