Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You Might Also Like
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I have so many questions.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!