BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Thoughts
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
my name if I was in the mob
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo