ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
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“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth