BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.