Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
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Butt weight. There’s more!
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”