Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You Might Also Like
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.