BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
this is the best interaction on twitter
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
same vibe as tangled headphones
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do