Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Bike for sale
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said