BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
What is going on? 😅
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
#DesignFail
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors