Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
This forever.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I came this close!!!!
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.