After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Best spoiler warning ever
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her