Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: