Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
#winning
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account