Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.