Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?