BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Lmfaoooooo
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
why no one uses midhusbands
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?