Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
scared to check what name she chose
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?