The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Beware of the dog..
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.