Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
We’re all getting idioter.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally