Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months