boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car