Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
You Might Also Like
😲 WTF? 😆
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?